It’s been so long since I heard you speak. One last click and a long, long bleep
I have such a love/hate with social media, feeling myself drag deeper into my own head (and depression) as I immerse myself in that world...
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Sara
- Jan 7
- 1 min
My Family Breeds Wild Winter Seeds Like Me
He is my shadow and perhaps the creature I've spent the most time with on this earth since September 2020. Precocious and curious, he embodied the "Id" for his first year on this earth. He still does in many ways. But he's growing up and changing, becoming just a little more world-aware every day. Still rambunctious and jealous, perhaps a little feral, but also protective, loving, and forever finding ways to make me laugh in exasperation. I've never met a cat who ran excitedl
Sara
- Nov 17, 2021
- 1 min
Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind...
My dad isn't exactly someone I'd call religious, but there is one popular Bible passage that he often recounted after my mom got sick. . They are fairly popular verses, so much so that they almost feel hackneyed after being printed on countless signs, coffee mugs, and other assorted knick-knacks. But for my dad, they still resonated, and for a while, if he was invited to a wedding, he'd only purchase cards that included them in the sentiments. I was recently cleaning and foun
Sara
- Oct 18, 2021
- 1 min
So, before you go Was there something I could've said To make your heart beat better?
Last week, I was pretty certain my mom was going to die. This shouldn't be a surprising revelation, especially not 16 years in to this dogshit disease, but there I was, numb and stupefied by the thought. Alzheimer's is especially cruel like that--once you accept the latest loss of your loved one at the hands of this disease, once you get comfy with navigating whatever the new "normal" looks like, another thread in the human fabric begins to unravel and there you are, bracing
Sara
- Sep 5, 2021
- 1 min
I sometimes wish I'd stayed inside my mother, Never to come out
Not much to say today; I just really miss you is all. #grievingdaughter #grieving #grief #griefsupport #griefjourney #endalz #earlyonsetalz #earlyonsetalzheimersdisease #earlyonsetalzheimers #alzheimerscaregiver #alzheimersawareness #alzheimers #alzheimersdisease
Sara
- Sep 3, 2021
- 1 min
it's hard to be an outlaw who ain't wanted anymore
Hard to believe it's already been a year of Josey Wales, our little outlaw kitty who came into our lives rather unexpectedly, but exactly when we needed him to. This photo was from around this time last year when I'd bring him along for visits with mom. Everyone was impressed with how well he'd sit with her and snuggle, and how receptive she seemed to the little furball in her lap. I've heard so many people talk about how giving their loved ones the opportunity to interact wi
Sara
- Aug 31, 2021
- 2 min
And it's the same face, Your heart keeps breaking in the same place
"By locating our consciousness in only one biological oscillator, the brain, we have blinded ourselves to perceptions that have been common to human beings since they emerged from this Earth. In gaining a reductionist understanding of the world, we lost touch with the essential nature of the Earth and ourselves… How much of life have I wasted by believing the thing I was taught, that thinking is what makes us better, that the brain is superior to the heart." -- Stephen Harrod
Sara
- Aug 31, 2021
- 2 min
Years of decay will make a mess of me, These rotted floor boards arch below my feet
I guess I missed #nationalgriefawarenessday yesterday, or whenever it was. At least in the social media sense. These days I've been SWIMMING in my grief, feeling the ways it's twisted my body and my mind as I find myself working through so many aspects of it simultaneously. It's hard not to feel consumed by these feelings. I've talked to so many people who feel heavy by the latest news cycle, walking around with the helplessness and heartache that comes from realizing the gri
Sara
- Aug 24, 2021
- 1 min
We'll you thought about leaving and I bet you will That morphine kills the pain I feel.
It's time to administer the #morphine and my dad is careful as he checks to make sure the liquid reaches the faint line on the syringe before we administer. When people hear the "M" word, they get scared, and ask as delicately as they can muster if we are afraid if it will kill her. I want to say there are things worse than death, especially as it relates to what my mother has experienced over these past 16 years, but I simply smile and explain that it is dosed to manage her
Sara
- Aug 15, 2021
- 2 min
I'll Never Let Go Of Your Hand
Mom's caretaker is enjoying her well-deserved time off for the month, which means she has her second-string helpers reporting for duty the next couple days. Admittedly, I used to dread helping with bathing, but I've come to appreciate the time much more these days, maybe it's because it's a less-frequent task, maybe because any time I still have with my mom feels precious. I'm not sure this is time my mom enjoys as much, especially as she's jostled and flipped by someone I of
Sara
- Jul 10, 2021
- 1 min
I wasn't looking, but oh I found A gap in the clouds, the sun comes out
Winding down a lovely weekend with a visit to my parents'. Pizza for me and dad, and mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, soup, and OJ with thickener for mom. It's taken some time, but I've been learning to let go of the wishing for the Things That Could've Been, while starting to embrace The Life That Is. That letting go allows me to feel grateful for the quiet visits where I can spend time with my mom and telepathically tell her all the things going on with me, while playing he
Sara
- Jun 27, 2021
- 1 min
You can send me to hell, But I'll never let go of your hand
It's not just about finding love, it's about holding onto it once you've got it. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. Happy 51st anniversary, mom and dad. Thanks for helping me truly understand the meaning of "devotion." (Definitely a #latergram... Probably circa 2016? When mom was still able to sit at the table with us/eat solid foods. 💛) #earlyonsetalzheimersdisease #earlyonsetalzheimers #dementia #endalz #love #grief #alzheimers #earlyonsetalzheimersawareness #a
Sara
- Oct 28, 2019
- 1 min
The light no longer shows the cracks around my door, And I have no lantern to light your way home to
One nice benefit of my travels is the opportunity to read. I’ve been through a couple books so far, most recently working through Wild, by @cherylstrayed. Throughout the book, she talks about dealing with her #grief after her mother’s death. This paragraph especially resonated with me.
Sara
- Sep 3, 2014
- 5 min
The Roads That Guide Us Home.
I made the observation a few months back that certain driving routes capture very specific timeframes of my life–these back roads, main drags, and exit numbers (make your Jersey jokes now) have the ability to launch full-blown nostalgia for me the same way an old beloved song or familiar smell can. These past couple weeks have found me traveling several old roads, both figuratively and literally. The Black Horse Pike, one of the major highways that cuts through my part of Sou
Sara
- Mar 30, 2014
- 3 min
Silver Linings.
I’ve been posting a lot recently about my recent frustrations and navigations through life lessons learned, but I feel it fair to report that the past couple of weeks have also had their strange silver linings. I recently reverted back to using my maiden name at my job, which is amusing, because this is the one place where the shift back to my old name seems strange. Everyone there knew me from my married name, whereas most other people in my life still referred to me by my “
Sara
- Mar 25, 2014
- 4 min
The Heart of the Fire
I have this friend, Graham, whom I met in college and who I keep up with mainly through social media exploits. Graham is some kind of a wonderful mix of Oscar Wilde, Truman Capote, and a German film star from the 30s. He introduced me to ammonia cokes and the beauty of Victrola recordings; he helped rekindle my love for black and white photography, and, by example, he has given me a nostalgic appreciation of eras long ago passed.
As if all that wasn’t enough, he also has a l
Sara
- Mar 20, 2013
- 3 min
Preserve Your Memories; They’re All That’s Left You
A few nights ago, my brother, his wife, me, and D all sat around their kitchen table, eating dinner together and shooting the shit. It was my brother’s 42nd birthday, and so we were spending the day together, relaxing and hanging out. It also happened to be the day of my cousin’s funeral. To be specific, Jean was my dad’s 2nd cousin–she was also a mother, a wife, a grandmother, an aunt, and a teacher for many, many years. Jean was a tough and funny woman who didn’t mince word
Sara
- May 12, 2011
- 3 min
There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance; pray, love, remember…
There is no reason to be sad today: I got into work without a hitch after my doctor’s appointment this a.m. In honor of the beautiful weather, we decided to have a cookout at work. My co-worker and I were successful in our search for Shiner Bock so I could introduce my coworkers to my beloved Texas beer. There have been plenty of laughs during today. It’s been a good day. But that is always when it seems to hit–when I least expect it. I got listening to some music and there w
Sara
- Jun 30, 2010
- 4 min
Cure her. Fix her. Restore her.
For the most part, I consider myself a realist, maybe to a fault. There are situations that are difficult to handle, to understand, to cope with, but I try to accept them as they are and accept/damage control as much as I can, as quickly as I can. This is something I’ve definitely done regarding my mother’s illness: I knew my mom was sick and it was pretty serious before others around me did, or at least wanted to know it. I was calling it what it was before others because so
Sara
- Mar 9, 2010
- 4 min
Grief is a funny thing…
and sometimes it visits you in the strangest of places. On Friday, it was in the middle of me cleaning the bathroom floor. It had been a really good day. I was coming off the high of seeing my BFF after a very long stretch of missed connections and woke up feeling good (albeit a little groggy). I was able to get myself together–wear a nice outfit and find everything I needed to get out the door. I did not get out on time, but I was able to sneak through without anyone noticin