Updated: Oct 23, 2021
I’ve been building a soundtrack for heartbreak over the past few days but can’t get past 3 songs and so I’ve just been listening to them in rotation, a pathetic merry-go-round that equal parts speaks exactly to what I’ve been feeling and feels like sticking a finger into a festering wound.
That properly best explains my relationship with music–why it is the sense that resonates with me the most, that I turn to when I can’t find the proper words to articulate how I’m feeling. It equal parts heals my heart and breaks it even more. (Is there a German word for that?)
My heart is broken for a lot of reasons this week, some universal, some personal. Feeling all these things at once is…hard.
Across all categories, I’m trying to force myself to sit in the sadness and restlessness–to feel, to be wounded, to breathe through it until I can find some semblance of healing, or at least scabbing.
The song changes. The perspective slightly shifts. Still pain, just a different lens of it.
What Sunday felt like. Tuesday. Today.
I know this is just the beginning. There is so much more to feel. I keep debating writing letters, texts, emails, status updates.
The song fades and the next one begins. I sit on my hands.