Every day’s an endless stream of cigarettes and magazines

I’ve been finding it hard to keep up with my agenda book, which serves like my diary, with all my comings and going documented. (I guess that’s not surprising, being there’s not really been much going anywhere these days…)

I thought keeping the blog during this pandemic and subsequent quarantine would be easier, but every day feels like its own lifetime and it’s easy to get caught up in different routines and mindsets on a near-daily basis. I’m making progress on projects, finding freelance work at a time I thought getting anything would be impossible, and am feeling the evolution of so many of the relationships in my life, some for better, some more challenging.

Some days are triumphant, some utterly traumatic.

Mixed into all that was a week-long hospital stay for my mom that I’m realizing I’m just getting around to processing (maybe eventually I’ll write more about it here). We are certainly reaching a new stage with her illness, but it’s hard to know exactly what that means in the grand scheme of things.

I feel like ever since the day I got the call first thing from my brother on that Thursday morning in March, telling me that my mom seizured and the EMTs were there, I half have been living in the “real” world and half in the anticipatory grief one. It’s exhausting and maddening.

I’m trying to be gentle with myself, leaning into the days where I need quiet and solace, allowing myself the space to feel angry and unsettled when that hits. On the days where I have the energy, I really try to push myself. I’m proud of the projects I’ve made progress on, but I’m trusting the process and working at a speed that feels manageable.

I’ve captured different aspects of this time across different mediums, and I’m thinking I might eventually create a scrapbook pulling from all those sources (what a weird momento that would be), but that might be further on the list from the other projects I’ve already got lined up (hopefully including some things for this site).

I hope everyone out there is doing well and finding their own ways to stay sane. Hopefully I’ll write more soon. Stay safe, friends.